Who's in Public Works

With a tip o’ the hat to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello!

Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to Trenton with you. You know Tony Mack, the Mayor, gave me a job as Acting Director for as long as you’re on the mayor’s team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the Acting Director, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these other Acting Directors now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like Dizzy Dean…

Costello: His brother Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean…

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofè.

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let’s see, we have on the team, Who’s in Public Works, What’s in Recreation, I Don’t Know is the Business Administrator…

Costello: That’s what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who’s in Public Works, What’s in Recreation, I Don’t Know’s the Business Administrator.

Costello: Are you the Acting Director?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the Manager too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who’s in Public Works?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy in Public Works.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The Public Works Director.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing…

Abbott: Who is in Public Works!

Costello: I’m asking YOU who’s in Public Works.

Abbott: That’s the man’s name.

Costello: That’s who’s name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: That’s who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta Public Works Director?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who’s playing Public Works?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: When you pay off the Public Works Director every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name in Public Works.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets…

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Who gets the money…

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who’s wife?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What’s wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the Public Works Director, how does he sign his name?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign…

Abbott: That’s how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name in Public Works.

Abbott: No. What is in Recreation.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s in Recreation.

Abbott: Who’s in Public Works.

Costello: One department at a time!

Abbott: Well, don’t change the directors around.

Costello: I’m not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I’m only asking you, who’s the guy in Public Works?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: Ok.

Abbott: All right.

PAUSE

Costello: What’s the guy’s name in Public Works?

Abbott: No. What is in Recreation.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s in Recreation.

Abbott: Who’s in Public Works.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott: He’s the Business Administrator, we’re not talking about him.

Costello: Now how did I get to the Business Administrator?

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the Business Administrator Director’s name, who did I say is Business Administrator?

Abbott: No. Who’s in Public Works.

Costello: What’s in Public Works?

Abbott: What’s in Recreation.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott: He’s the Business Administrator.

Costello: There I go, back to the Business Administrator again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay with the Business Administrator and don’t go off it.

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who’s Business Administrator?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who as Business Administrator?

Costello: What am I putting as Business Administrator.

Abbott: No. What is in Recreation.

Costello: You don’t want who in Recreation?

Abbott: Who is in Public Works.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Business Administrator!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta Police Director?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The Police Director’s name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I’d tell ya.

Costello: Then tell me who’s Police Director.

Abbott: Who’s Public Works.

Costello: I’m not… stay out of the Cabinet! I want to know what’s the Police Director’s name?

Abbott: No, What is in Recreation.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s in Recreation.

Abbott: Who’s in Public Works!

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Business Administrator!

PAUSE

Costello: The Police Director’s name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he’s City Attorney.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta Fire Director on this team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The Fire Director’s name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?

Abbott: I’m telling you now.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s Fire Director?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not Fire Director.

Costello: I’ll break your arm, you say who’s in Public Works! I want to know what’s the Fire Director’s name?

Abbott: What’s in Recreation.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Business Administrator!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a Council President?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The Council President’s name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today, and tomorrow’s City Attorney.

Abbott: Now you’ve got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days in City Hall.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I’m a Council President too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the dais to do some fancy talking, The Fire Director’s testifying on my team and an Irresponsible Blogger gets up. Now the blogger punts. When he punts, me, being a good Council President, I’m gonna throw the guy out! So I pick up the discussion and change it to who?

Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

PAUSE

Abbott: That’s all you have to do.

Costello: Is to change the subject to Public Works.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who’s got it?

Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I change the subject to Public Works, somebody’s gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the discussion and I change it to Naturally.

Abbott: No you don’t, you change the subject to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s different.

Costello: That’s what I said.

Abbott: You’re not saying it…

Costello: I change the subject to Naturally.

Abbott: You change it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: That’s what I said!

Abbott: You ask me.

Costello: I change the subject to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You change the subject to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I change the subject to who. Whoever it is changes the discussion and the guy runs to Recreation. Who picks up the discussion and changes it to What. What changes it to I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know changes it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and changes it to Because. Why? I don’t know! He’s the Business Administrator and I don’t give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don’t give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that’s our City Spokesperson.